Not Your Usual Review Site

CHARLES VS. THE X-MEN #1

So I’m a huge comic fan. My room is filled with comics that I’ve been collecting since about 1988. While trying to solve my comics space issue, I found a crap load of old MARVEL comics. Most of them were X-MEN, Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Captain America, Spider-man, and AVENGERS. I also found my old DC books, but as a kid I was only interested in SUPERMAN, BATMAN, and the JLA back then. As a kid I was much more into MARVEL, up until right before HOUSE OF M. When that book came out I started to notice a trend…I don’t really connect with MARVEL that much anymore. The funny thing was while I was messing around my room I was listening to TOM VS. THE JLA…which is a awesome podcast from TOM KATERS from the AROUND COMICS podcast. While listening I began to think, imitation is the highest form of flatery. I’m usually against total out and out imitation, but it’s a damn good idea…so here we go. I will say that being that these books have been collected since I was a kid, undoubtably I’ve lost issues quit reading during a run…but I will do my best to fill in what happens if I miss a issue…or lost a issue.

So here it goes.

UNCANNY X-MEN #234

UNCANNY X-MEN #234

UNCANNY X-MEN ,vol. 1, #234 1988

GLORY DAY

Writer: Chris Claremont

Penciler: Marc Silvestri

Inker: Josef Rubinstein

Colorist: Glynis Oliver

Letterer: Tom Orzechowski

Editor: Bob Harras

Editor in Chief: Tom DeFalco

Okay this is actually the first X-MEN book I remember reading as a kid. I still remember this story when I think of a good use of Wolverine. I liked Wolverine alot back then, until he had kept getting boring solo episodes of the cartoon X-MEN show and he showed up in every book ever in MARVEL. I just remember knowing who everyone was, it was thanks to CHRIS CLAREMONT…back then they bashed it into your head who characters were.

PAGE 1:

  • we open up outside the MILE HIGH DINER. I have no idea what city this is supposed to be, it’s no descript. This is the kind of diner I’ve always wanted to go to, it’s a classic looking old style diner. We are given information about the history of the MILE HIGH DINER. Striking home the idea that this is just a regular diner with regular customers. in the forground it seems that two young lovers are making out in a diner…eww. Still inside we see a blinding light breaking through the windows. uh oh.

PAGE 2:

  • A greaser, clutching DAZZLER by the throat smash through one of the windows. Now being that this is a average diner, in a average town(first page exposition) all the frightened patrons can only muster: “Hey a Fight” and “GEEZ”

PAGE 3

  • The greaser says Dazzlers’ show is over(she’s a famous singer, who just happens to be a mutant) but of course DAZZLER blasts him off with some awesome eye blasts. I love the fact that the dialogue boxes actually tell you everything you need to know about Dazzler, she can take sound and turn it into light(or focused photons).
  • DAZZLER knocks the greaser(she called him Skunge, but I hate that name so he’s greaser to me)back…and the could is still kissing…Really, I know teenagers are a-holes…but that much of ones, I don’t know.
  • And what do the people do to help a woman getting accosted by a guy in leather jacket? They grab her. Good old human race…one of them of course calls her a mutie. nice, real nice.
  • The greaser takes the opportunity and spits out a pink fire ball…I remember reading this and imagining that the guy made the sound mario makes when he shots a fire ball.
  • DAZZLER screams LOOK OUT to the a-hole humans, but too late. KBOOM everybody’s thrown from the blast. We get a dialogue box telling us the bad guys’ name is SPITBALL(where the hell did skunge come from?) He used to be a mutant, and he can hurl(nice word mr.claremont)spheres of super-heated energy plasma that explodes on contact with any surface…which explains the large explosion we got to see.

PAGE 4

  • To make matters worse another bad guy grabs DAZZLER with energy arms around the neck. The patrons realize their a-holes and consider what to do, DAZZLER tells them their no match for the brood…my first brood story…and ultimately the only good one I’d read. DAZZLER is just full of information, this guys’ name is WHIPHAND.
  • DAZZLER is hit and taunted by another BROOD…who seems to have appeared out of no where.
  • A brave regular human tries to save DAZZLER but when he tries to punch the BROOD monster it disappears. Turns out his name is BLINDSIDE and he reappears behind the guy…creepy.
  • the regular guy is about to be eaten, we find out humans are delicacies to the BROOD. DAZZLER, still being choked with energy arms, fills us in on the broods plan to turn the X-MEN into hosts for their eggs…this is what they mean by jump on books. I would have had no idea what the hell was going on when I was 6, but the characters tell me everything I need to know to enjoy the story.
  • and the kids are STILL making out.

PAGE 5(actually 6 but I’m not counting ads in page #’s)

  • we find out DAZZLER’s not alone, three blades go into BLINDSIDES’ back as he’s about to eat the brave human. We get more Dia-boxes telling us she’s a part of the UNCANNY X-MEN.
  • LONGSHOT, the newest member(dia-box), kicks BLINDSIDE in the face as he turns around. We even get told that his hallmark is Luck, until…
  • WHIPHAND grabs LONGSHOT by the throat, and starts to talk crap. But stops when he sees LONGSHOT smile.
  • COLOSSUS grabs WHIPHAND by the mouth and has his arms around his head…just imagine this being your first time seeing COLOSSUS…he’s freaking awesome.

PAGE 6

  • we see the people’s reaction and we are treated to a large SNAP! freaking awesome.
  • some chick tells LONGSHOT to lookout for BLINDSIDE, she actually says blondie…very weird.
  • Once again LONGSHOT’s luch works out, BLINDSIDE explodes.
  • STORM flies into the building
  • SPITBALL tries to run out while no ones looking, to a oldschool ROGUE. COLOSSUS fills us in and tells STORM she’s still under the BROODS’ control. While ROGUE flies away, STORM tells COLOSSUS to gather the others and tend to the wounded and that she’s going after ROGUE.
  • the kids finally stop making out to notice the damage…but then go back to kissing.

PAGE 7

  • MEANWHILE…
  • we’re told that we’re in the australia’s outback, the x-men’s home. we’re filled in that the world thinks the x-men are dead.
  • we start to go down a dark tunnel with pictures of a red headed woman having a child taken from her. We are told that the pictures are from MADELYNE PRYOR’s dream of SCOTT SUMMER taking everything that gives her value and giving them to JEAN GREY….two bodies are lying on the ground and their are some smashed screens…hunh?

PAGE 8

  • Um so some naked dude is crouched by who I guess is MADELYNE. She a naked pink thing walking in the outback, and the sun melts her face into a actual face…

PAGE 9

  • naked MADELYNE trips over a skull and falls down a dirt hill and into water. Naked MADELYNE comes up out of the water, and purple hands put a black cloak on her.

PAGE 10

  • Oh god, X-men and demons…I’ve never enjoyed that. MADELYNE is now accompanied by SYM, the purple demon…who wears a leather vest and briefs…weird. looks like we’re in her head, which why it has a biker demon I don’t know.
  • SYM and MADELYNE walk to a golden building  with food. There seems to be a weird lizard drinking out of the punch bowl.
  • SYM grabs it and it turns to gold and he pours the punch, seemingly from the lizards stomach, into MADELYNE’s mouth…ewww.
  • The whole page is filled with some kind of psuedo intellectual mombo jumbo about dreams being insight into your true nature.

PAGE 11

  • In addition to having a leather vest and briefs, SYM now has long fingernails with a bunch of different MADELYNE faces on them.
  • SYM tells MADELYNE to hurt SCOTT back for hurting her. MADELYNE touches the evil looking MADELYNE on SYM’s nail. And SYM stabs his pinkie into her chest.
  • SYM licks the blood off his finger, gross, and says that there are no dreams…just different tastes of reality and that she’s bound to his now.
  • Now MADELYNE is in some very skimpy outfit…wow

PAGE 12

  • we’re in RED ROCKS…don’t know where that’s at.
  • looks like a packed house. We go backstage to a man dressed in white talking to his wife about the lord and how he wish he had the power to save her…hmmm. Someone backstage mentions a “MUTIE” fight in town. The reverand says he won’t tolerate such remarks. He goes on stage after hugging his wife and telling her that he was blessed the day he found her.
  • Some lady walks up to the Reverands wife and tells her that she has something that can fix her shaking hands.

PAGE 13

  • ROGUE is flying while holding WOLVERINE and some girl named TEMPTRESS. TEMPTRESS tells ROGUE that with each breath she’s taking in more and more of her pheromones, which explains why ROGUE is helping the BROOD.
  • We find out that so far only WOLVERINE has had a egg implanted in him. ROGUE (while under BROOD control) is very excited to be next.
  • WOLVERINE’s skin seems to have started to change into the BROOD style, but he unsheathes his claws and slashes TEMPTRESS.
  • ROGUE yells that WOLVERINE’s killed her and toss him down to the earth below. WOLVERINE tumbles and we’re told(via Dia-boxes) that his bones are laced with Adamantium(strongest metal in the world) and that he has a healing factor…see tells me everything I need to know.

PAGE 14

  • Meanwhile…
  • A car is speeding down the road…we learn that PSYLOCKE’s been captured.
  • PSYLOCKE tells them that TEMPTRESS was killed by WOLVERINE and that ROGUE tried to kill WOLVERINE for it. One of the BROOD greasers tells her to locate WOLVERINE. One of the other BROOD greasers asks the driver if he’s wearing his seatbelt…
  • We see COLOSSUS infront of the car and of course COLOSSUS wins that one. He rips out the engine. The driver bails out and tells his cronies to kill COLOSSUS.

PAGE 15

  • SPITFIRE blasts COLOSSUS knocking him off his feet.
  • One of the BROOD greaser(can’t tell which one) is shot by a lightning bolt.
  • STORM flies in and tells them the X-MEN are hard to kill
  • the leader tells PSYLOCKE to use her mental powers to fry STORM’s brain. But it seems PSYLOCKE is finally coming back to her senses.
  • Knowing they don’t have a chance now, the BROOD greasers flee. STORM starts to go after them until…
  • ROGUE tackles her from behind. ROGUE tells her that the BROOD is going to make her the host for the Queen’s egg.

PAGE 16

  • DAZZLER and LONGSHOT screech up on a motorcycle. DAZZLER holds out her hand and makes the classic finger gun pose, but she doesn’t have a clear shot. She has to save STORM, but if she hits STORM at full power she’ll kill her.
  • DAZZLER shots and luckly hits ROGUE.
  • we switch to see the blast from what seems to be RED ROCKS, where the reverand is, and everybody’s freaking out that the fight in town has reached them

PAGE 17

  • The rev tells them to calm down. While a battered WOLVERINE slinks by the stage.
  • The rev goes to help WOLVERINE, while his helpers tell him to stay away. WOLVERINE tells him to stay back too, but he doesn’t listen.
  • WOLVERINE tells him to leave him be, but the rev thinks he’s talking about drugs. He starts to pray to help, but WOLVERINE starts to go all BROOD in the face, with the teeth and stuff. BROOD WOLVERINE threatens the rev.

PAGE 18

  • The rev doesn’t back down and prays even harder. Then the BROOD WOLVERINE’s eyes go wide as he realizes…
  • WOLVERINE’s healing factor is kicking in and killing the BROOD in him. The rev thinks it’s because of the prayer.
  • A random BROOD grabs the rev by the throat, but HAVOK comes in and destroys the BROOD. HAVOK thinks to himself about his ease at killing the BROOD. As he’s thinking about his temperment after killing, two other BROOD are sneaking up on him

PAGE 19

  • SPITFIRE actually mentions that HAVOK’s really into his own world, and tries to fry him. LONGSHOT swings in and saves HAVOK.
  • A wall falls on top of the two BROOD
  • HAVOK wonders if that’s all of them when the lead BROOD takes the rev’s wife hostage.

PAGE 20

  • The lead BROOD starts to go on and on about humans are about to be taken over by the BROOD, while he’s yapping, WOLVERINE crawls under the stage.
  • WOLVERINE breaks through the stage and grabs him and yanks him down under the stage.
  • As WOLVERINE gets the lead BROOD down and puts his hand under his chin for the final blow, he’s all of a sudden seemingly turned back into a regular young man…who is frightened and asks why the X-MEN are after him.
  • WOLVERINE thinks for a second about whether this is for real. He says that he the person he was was dead along time ago and that now he’ll finally get to rest in peace…
  • just a simple SNIKT tells you all you need to know.

PAGE 21

  • LATER…
  • The police are at the rev’s shindig and the rev is talking to his wife, who was there…about the X-MEN just seeming to leave…she was there the whole time…lol
  • Reporters come up to him and he tells them that basically MUTANTS are still humans at the end of the day.
  • We see the black haired woman who appoarched the rev’s wife smile as she walks away.

PAGE 22

  • We’re back in AUSTRALIA
  • and back in the monitor room, where the report from RED ROCKS is on.
  • We switch to a screen showing the X-MEN coming back home. WOLVERINE congratulates HAVOK on a good job and he’s bummed he had to kill…boo hoo…you shoulda died back then, cause your still a waste of space HAVOK…Although you were awesome in X-FACTOR.
  • Last panel is MADELYNE PRYOR (in a green dress now) lying on the floor bleeding…

THAT’S THE END OF THAT ISSUE…

So overall good issue, I see why I didn’t bother to remember the MADELYNE PRYOR parts…they’re freaking boring. I did like the fact that the dialogue boxes and even character dialogue tells you everything you need to know about the character…except for PSYLOCKE and HAVOK. I can totally understand why I fell in love with the X-MEN back then.

NEXT: A GREEN & PLESANT LAND(from the actual book)

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